Drink One For Me
I decided to stop using my facebook page as my public diary, I tend to have a lot to say about my grief and loss and realize that not everyone may appreciate that. So might as well use my website as a blog. This way, people who choose to relate or snoop or drown in their misery along with me, can choose to do so. And while it may seem like a way to make sales...it's simply preventing me from having to pay for another website. Have you seen our dog collars though....
One day this blog will smooth out and make more sense but for now I had to get these thoughts down.
I remember my mom telling me how lucky my Monson High School class was for not losing anyone. Prom, car accidents, parties, etc, we never lost a classmate in our 18 years. It's Thanksgiving 2019 today, and as I scroll through facebook, I see the thankful grateful posts, but I also see so many posts about loss. So many. People you'd never expect to be grieving over the loss of one of their parents, multiple losses, siblings, grandparents, pets, children. I see so much loss. And sure, we didn't lose anyone in high school, but I feel that we made up for it quickly and then some, shortly after. I remember the days of not knowing loss. I remember the days of feeling uncomfortable saying to a patient "I'm sorry for your loss" but not knowing what else to say. I remember losing people in my life and not being upset about it. Maybe my life and facebook have always been filled with loss, I just now perceive it because I relate to these people more than the ones that haven't experienced loss. Maybe it's an age thing. But I don't think it is. This facebook thing, the holiday today, a song that came on and the constant restraint to write about death everyday inspired this "blog" to come to fruition.
I randomly heard from one of my brother's best friends last night. The pain that this person feels from the loss of my brother, made me feel so good. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this. It reminds me that other people are struggling without him. It reminds me that he's thought of and needed and missed by other people. I loved hearing that this person started depression medication because of how strongly it's affected him. I too, have to take depression medication. That's a chapter for another day... but having to take a pill that allows you to get through a day in a semi controlled mindset, because of something that happened to you, that you had no control over, is not an easy pill to swallow. However, I love that my brother is such an incredible human being that his loss fucked a bunch of people up. I hate what it's done to them, and more so, I hate that he lost his life. But knowing that I can't change that, I love hearing about him from other people. He's so loved and deserves to be so loved.
I suggested "Drink One For Me" by Jason Aldean as the closing song to Pjs funeral. And though in my heart, I knew Pj would have thought it was "so gay" and that Jason Aldean sucks, I felt like I was making a good "older sister" decision. One that was in the best interest for him and his loved ones. And I knew he would trust me in doing so. It was a song that would benefit those close to him and attempt to express how he would want them to feel. While slowly emotionally killing us all.
So today, Thanksgiving 2019, I pretended that I saw my mom and Pj walk by the back window, climb the back steps and bum rush the door. Carrying on a full blown mostly sarcastic conversation between the two of them, my mom carrying way more stuff than Pj, the way Kevin McCallister's family barged into the door at the end of Home Alone. I imagined them dumping everything on the counters and Pj going to sit on the couch to do nothing, my mom would grab my face with both open hands and mush my face as she kissed my mushed cheek. I thought of the other people pretending that their family was here today. Or what Thanksgiving would be like if they were still here. I cried last night saying that I don't want to be the one that has to join other peoples Thanksgiving. I want to go to my Thanksgivings. We were the ones inviting other people to our Thanksgivings because they may not have a place to go. I remember a billboard all the time. It's a kid blowing bubbles and it says something like "She didn't dream of growing up to be a drug addict". Well I didn't dream of growing up to lose the most important people in my life. When I was little, my Thanksgivings were 15 cousins, 8 aunts, 8 uncles, 2 grandparents, 2 siblings and 2 parents...I didn't imagine that one day it would be me tagging along to other peoples Thanksgivings. To be the one needing an invite. I am so grateful for those in my life, insanely grateful. And I had a great day. But I feel for the ones that aren't there yet. Where grief is so new. And life is full of change and perspective. I know this, but this is a blog people. This is my virtual diary.
So on my way to my future in laws, Drink One For Me came on. I usually change the station when songs that destroy me come on and I have somewhere to be. But I hadn't heard this song for years, the chances of it being on the radio are so slim and I took it as a message from my beloved brother. The timing was painful and perfect, he was with me on Thanksgiving and the lyrics reminded me that I made a good choice in this song. Especially after hearing from one of his grieving brothers.
More blog topics for other times, but in short, the mediums I've seen, have told me that Pj would do anything to come back and that he didn't want to leave. Maybe this song is about a singer or a soldier on tour, but part of grief is hearing them in everything. I hear him in this song. His friends are his family. These lyrics strike home.
You don't know how bad, I wish I was home Can't wait to get back, But while I'm gone Y'all carry on
Drink one for me, for all the old times We tore up that town, raised hell alright Tell the boys, thanks for having my back Some of the best memories I've ever had
So go on and get crazy And drink one for me
I can't count the miles, It just feels so far And it could be a while 'Til I'm where you are So keep me in your heart
Drink one for me, for all the old times We tore up that town, raised hell alright Tell the boys, thanks for having my back Some of the best memories I've ever had So go on and get crazy And drink one for the ones you can't be with The ones we'll always miss And times like these So go on and get crazy And drink one for me
So much love my brother.